They both wondered where all those tomahawks were coming from.

One of them is organized.

Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

All three have endured tragic deaths of neglect at my apathetic hands!

A: So all the old people can see there futures!

More legroom!

Gives 'em something to do on Saturday night!

Mimes in a chainsaw fight.

20: one to change the bulb, the rest to make a documentary all about it.

A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?''

''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''

''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.

''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.''

''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

Drizzle!

''So what was he doing then?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Cannabis?''

''Sort of,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''

''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.

''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika.''

''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''He is in a Korma.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"

The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

1. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was actually knitting while driving.

The cop yelled, "Pull over!"

The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

At Sundae school.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

A: Five golden dings, four calling nerds, three French men, two purple gloves, and a bar fridge and a party.

Mule-tide greetings.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

Drizzle!

She threw away all the "W&W's"

Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

"I can," shouted a blonde. "Collieflower!"

A: Because it was feeling crummy.

Then he says, “Pass the tea, you old bag.”

"Hi big guy," she says, batting her eyelashes.

"Oh hello, beautiful," he says stepping closer to her.

"I couldn't help but notice what big feet you have," as a look of wonderment spreads across her face.

"You know what that means..." he coos.

"Yes, trouble for the ants," she says.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot -- because you can catch a cold!

A: Sparky!

"I can," shouted a blonde, "Collieflower!"

A: Because it was feeling crummy.

A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

"Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

One hundred.

One to replace the bulb and ninety-nine to contract consumption and die beautiful, poetic deaths.

Her panties fit her like a glove!

Anacondoms!

'Cause he was dead!

He gave her a ring.

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

Bone appetit!

Some Booo-T

Name that Tuna.

A carrot!

He replies, "No. Use your finger like everyone else."

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

To make weathermen look good!

Shania Twain says," That don't impress me much."

Britney Spears says,"Oops, I did it again."

The next day they go in a limo to a bar and someone farts. Shaggy says, "Wasn't me!".

Shania Twain says," That don't impress me much."

Britney Spears says, "Stronger than yesterday."

When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctor's only reaction to this was... "It's good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing...."

A: You get to park in handicapped zones.

The next day Batman wrote: "Superman is Clark Kent."

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

A: "Six-finger discount!"

A. Cover me I'm going in.

A. A groovy kind of love.

A: Blue fluff.

Tell her a joke on Monday!

A satellite dish.

The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redneck.

The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m talking to the guy on your lap!!!!

The fence

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton!

Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"

"What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.

"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

He heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

"Good Lord!" he screamed. "One of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly, the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order!

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. Most of the passengers seemed to feel better on hearing this, and they sat down as the pilot walked to the front of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crewmember attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said, "Yes, they are."

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

"We're just going to get help."

His hos!

A nun roasting on a spit.

After ten years the job still sucks!

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

His teacher told him it was a piece of cake!