i like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- i lose. scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together -- you got me. paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. paper sucks. it should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.

my supervisor -- let's call him Greenbean -- said that there were certain bigwigs who you should never put on hold, certain VIPs who you should never put on hold, and I could never remember who those people were. So, I put everyone on hold and I conferenced them, and I let them sort it out amongst themselves.

so when i get a phone call at the airport, i'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'go ahead. gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'honey, something is going on. that guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'stand down, down blue team! don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. he's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' and i find some random businessman. i run, and i just beat the crap out of him. and everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' and then i go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? she may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. you know what my girl do? when she get mad, she start talking in the third person. that's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

she actually asked me for four grapes once. she counted grapes. what kind of mental patient counts grapes? do you know anyone who does that? that's the weirdest thing. I was like, 'four grapes...' To me grapes aren't even a food. they're like a palate cleanser. That's what i eat to get the big mac taste out of my mouth.

i actually recently had this bathroom adventure. i went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. you girls probably don't know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and there's, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure he's not looking at your stuff, right? 'cause it's yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know -- that was weird. So, I kissed him.

ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. instead, go google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many f**king questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? when are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you f**king win that argument.

the guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, 'I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife.' and i was thinking, 'I'm not doing that. i'm definitely not doing it.' but i thought, why just say, 'No! The hell with you!' and get fired? that's boring. Instead I said to him, 'yeah, ok. i'll do it.' then, i didn't do it, and he came up to me later: 'did you scrape the gum off the tables?' I was like, 'oh, yeah, of course i did, sure.' And later, he comes up, he goes, 'you didn't scrape the gum off the tables?' i'm like, 'ah! no. damn.' 'are you gonna do it?' 'yeah, of course i'm gonna do it.' three days later, i got fired. i got paid for three days.

we tell too much of our business. i don't understand war. Why we tell everything we're about to do? we're running around, trying to find out military intelligence on them. They don't need that -- all they do is watch the news, they see everything they need to see. they plan their strategy with the tv on and their maps out.

i always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. but whenever i watch it, i think i would have totally done it alone. i don't know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, I'd skate around just to chop off his fingers. i would, and i would not feel bad about that -- ever. 'Now when you're nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why we're not on it.'

they got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. i got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods kentucky. they don't have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O'donnell. they're like, 'is she attractive?'

i told him, 'You are not bringing home a hooker. That is inappropriate. I can't have that.' There's no way i'm gonna watch my husband have sex with another woman, right in front of me, and then she gets paid cash for it -- and then she gets to leave! I don't think so, hooker. you're gonna sit down and listen to him talk for half an hour.

i was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he's hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, 'if you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?' And I was like, 'anywhere?' He was like, 'anywhere.' I was like, 'uh -- to the other side of the room. now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.'

women solve problems faster than men. ever see a woman dial a wrong number? operator tells her to check the number and dial again, she'll check the number and dial again. There ain't a man in this room that will check the number and dial again. we're gonna dial the same damn number, only this time push the buttons a whole lot harder.

there are so many types of shoes. there's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'welcome to the shoe store! what are you looking for? are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.

from the roast of david hasselhoff: lisa did an offensive joke earlier about roger ebert. his face is like that because he has jaw cancer. what's your excuse?

we're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- i think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'if animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'if vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'

why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

from the roast of david hasselhoff: david hasselhoff's d**k is like a Polaroid picture: nobody uses it anymore and shaking it does not make it appear faster.

from the roast of david hasselhoff: they say women's bodies are like a wonderland -- yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.

frankly, i could not f**king believe i was not allowed to vote. three and a half years i've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. i don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. i know why i'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.

if you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. you can litter whenever you want to. you just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: 'Hey guess what today is? Give me a kiss.'

from the roast of david hasselhoff: 'South Park' called -- they want their everything back.

wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'oh baby, i'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'oh my god, don't stop 'til i'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'

part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. what better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'i better hit the books because this is not working out.'

i wish sometimes that i could lose my temper the way that charlton heston did in the original 'Planet of the Apes,' that scene where he says, 'Take your paws off me, you damn dirty apes!' and he did that after they threw a net on him. it's like, before then, everything was OK; something about monkeys throwing a net on him: 'that's it. That's it. now, i'm angry.'

you know how your guy's underwear says, 'bvd'? His said, 'boulevard.'

stand-up is a lot like sex. there's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

i had a girlfriend once who was kinda kinky. she used to say this, 'Talk dirty to me. Talk dirty to me.' you never hear the opposite, 'Hey baby, talk clean to me.' 'Oh my God, I want to meet your parents. I wanna walk around the mall wearing matching sweatshirts and take you to a Michael Bolton concert. Oh my God, I'm gonna come -- to your house for christmas.'

this friend of mine told me, 'Yeah, I dress this way to attract a guy, but I want to attract the right guy. I don't want to attract every slob on the street.' That's how cleavage works. it's not a smart bomb. It's not a laser-guided weapon. you might hit your target; there's also going to be a lot of collateral damage. You might hit the guy in the Porsche. You're also going to hit the guy with one tooth driving by on the bus.

the thing i despise about biggie fans is when they're like, 'oh man, biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' to me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a gangster rapper and everyone in your crew carries a submachine gun. That's basic probability; i don't know if you've taken statistics.

women go there to dance. they get all ready in the mirror with their friends. they're like, 'i just need to go. i just need to dance. i'm serious, tonight -- no guys. Screw guys. I just need to -- I've had a rough week, and i just need to dance it out. i just want to stand in a circle around our pocketbooks and shoes and just -- i just want to dance. dance!' You will never, ever hear a guy say to one of his buddies, 'mike -- mike, mike, listen, buddy. tonight, bro, i gotta dance, dude. screw chicks tonight, bro -- i gotta dance!'

i go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so i just get in there and i just start moving stuff. this guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'

he's so pissed off 'cause he probably thought he was, like, scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime, getting adopted by this famous movie star, who was gonna rescue him from his third world cambodia, only to find out she's gonna take him to every other f**king third world country in the world. He's probably like, 'When the f**k are we getting to Malibu like you promised?'

technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. you can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' people will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' i end up saying that all the time -- 'No, but I heard about it.' it means i haven't heard about it, but I like you.

when he was coming up, people were like, 'We have a serious black candidate for president. This is crazy. We have a serious black candidate.' and then when he won, they were like, 'Our first multi-racial president.' and i was like, 'That's not fair.' I mean, let's set the record straight. if you went outside tonight after this show and barack obama was stealing your car, you wouldn't yell, 'hey, someone stop that mixed guy!'

i don't like cell phones. I'm never sending another text message as long as i live because i don't like a phone that tries to predict the words I'm trying to send to people. 'Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, 'hey baby, i had a great night. i hope you have a home day.' But I meant to text, 'you should get tested.'

did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. i have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'dude, i'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? go f**k yourself. i'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'

in obama's inauguration speech, he said, 'we're a nation of Jews and Muslims, of Christians and Hindus and nonbelievers.' and i was like, 'Yeah, hear that Buddhists? Get out of here. You're not welcome in obama's five-tiered religious zone, apparently. Get back to Buddha Land or wherever you're from. stick it in your fat stomachs and eat it, buddhists. eat it. and don't get angry at that 'cause that wouldn't be a very Buddhist way to behave.'

i was dating this girl; she's like, 'mike, you look so much like a cop, why don't you just become a cop?' i'm like, 'i respect the police, i just couldn't wear a uniform to work every day.' and she's like, 'why don't you just become an undercover cop?' i was like, 'Well, I hate to point out the obvious here, but if I look like a cop, chances are I wouldn't be too effective undercover.'

one of my best friend's is a professional magician. The only downside to having a magical friend is he always invites us on double dates, and that's the worst because i'm a nice guy, but he's magic. there's no way I can compete with that. He shows up, he's so smooth. girls love him. he's like, 'how's it going? You look so beautiful tonight. Your hair -- is that a coin? Now, it's a rose. now, it's money.' and it's like, I show up -- what am I gonna do? I'm like, 'Hi, I brought you this rose. Now, it's broken.'

i love my dad. he used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like macgyver with duct tape. one time, he brought a television home. i said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' when i got older, it didn't have 500 channels -- it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

it's weird when you're a mix. people just want to play detective with your face. nine times out of 10, they're polite: 'where are you from?' I'm like, 'Pittsburgh.' they're like, 'pittsburgh, right. seriously though, where are you from?' 'pittsburgh.' Like I'm from some mutant island south of the philippines, the island of half asia. it's just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.

my female friends complain about dating. my friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' and i was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee's might grease the wheels a little.'

what i don't understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. 'dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. it makes them a lot easier to get them home.'

comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' we always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' it's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... there's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- 'ma'am! Ma'am! by a round of applause, how do you feel? by a round of applause -- she's not clapping!'

i'm from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, 'hey, where'd you grow up?' i'm like, 'long island.' And he's like, 'Loser.' really? i grew up 22 miles from manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. i feel like i win that round. i'm like, 'i've seen the ocean. Game over.'

man versus woman equals fun. man versus man equals gay. woman versus woman equals awesome. man versus pillow equals crazy. pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome -- that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. they're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? one time i saw two geese fighting, and i was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'

you know the only time racism is really good for black people? terrorism. terrorism -- never take black hostages. you know it's true. You know why they don't take black hostages, don't you? 'cause we're bad bargaining chips. They call the White House, 'hello! we have got five black people, and we will kill them, too! hello? hello?'

i like to talk to strangers. i like to go up to people i don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. try it. just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'well how do you think I felt?'

i like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- i lose. scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together -- you got me. paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. paper sucks. it should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.

they have the x-ray area. i don't mind going through it, but I get tired of the businessmen who make way too big a deal out of their computers. 'excuse me, i have a computer. i have a computer here. i don't know how you're going to handle this -- my computer.' Oh, is he from the future? They've been around a while, pal. i think they have a way to handle your computation machine.

so when i get a phone call at the airport, i'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'go ahead. gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'honey, something is going on. that guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'stand down, down blue team! don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. he's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' and i find some random businessman. i run, and i just beat the crap out of him. and everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' and then i go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? she may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. you know what my girl do? when she get mad, she start talking in the third person. that's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

i used to be jealous; i'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. and i actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- i cured it with mathematics. and i'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, i'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.

i don't mind fat people, I just don't like fat people that try to pretend that one part of their body's fat. Like my Aunt Sara's like that. i'll be like, 'hey, aunt sara, you want a piece of this cake?' She'll be like, 'I can't have that cake. it'll go straight to my hips.' really? well, it seems to make a pit stop on your ass and back.

we need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

you ever lie for no reason at all? just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. like a guy will come up to you, 'Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?' and you go, 'Yes.' in the back of your head, you're like, 'what in the hell am i lying about over here? i stand to gain nothing by this lie.'

i hate when people ask me the time on the street 'cause something happens to me. I just panic. I can't read my watch. when i'm alone, I'm great at reading my watch, but when someone asks me, i just have this anxiety attack, and i just can't make it out... I always end up saying something useless, like, 'it's 20 of 9:40.'

she left, went and studied apes, and then just came home -- went for six years and then just came home. and it's like, what a weird thing to do with your life. She just went and studied them, like how they act and how they eat and they function, and then just left. Went for six years -- left. An ape couldn't do that to us, you know. an ape couldn't just walk into your house and study you for six years.

l.a. is a very confusing place, only place i know where you can have, simultaneously, a drought and a flood. every time you watch the weatherman, he goes, 'Rained all day, didn't help the drought. back to you, tom.' I got news for you, folks. If water doesn't solve your drought, you're screwed.

you ever been to a comedy club? not a very classy environment. they always have a two drink minimum. they force you to drink 'cause they're very insecure that the show might suck. they're like, 'come on in -- this guy's hilarious, as long as you are f**ked up the whole time.' can you imagine another business trying to pull that? you go to a restaurant; they're like, 'come on in, the food's great here. Before you eat it, you got to smoke some weed. Yeah, we just serve Hot Pockets up in this bitch. But if you're high it, doesn't suck as much.'

i read this on the internet -- did you know that 4th of july is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?

he's not technically a lawyer, but he's got three court cases next week.

i'm tired of hearing about how America's a bully. america is not a bully. bullies beat you up and take your money, and that is not what america does. america gives you money -- and then we beat you up. we're the mob. We just kinda wait for the check to clear, then we show up going, 'hey, you got a real nice f**king country here. be a shame if something happened to it.'

i don't know if you've ever been to england, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. they're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the revolutionary war, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.

jeff dunham: walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.

it was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. to me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'

she says, 'The way you're acting is the reason europeans hate americans.' And this is what I said -- true story -- 'do you know where you are right now? because you're in McDonald's. this is american soil. you might as well be at the f**king embassy. you might as well be at the embassy, sweetheart, 'cause nobody tells me how to act in McDonald's.'

i'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'african american' -- there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'

frankly, i could not f**king believe i was not allowed to vote. three and a half years i've lived here! I work hard -- relatively speaking for someone who does this for a living. I pay my taxes. I try to fit in. I've learnt your rudimentary language. i don't know what more you could reasonably expect me to do. And that's when it hit me. i know why i'm so angry. I know what this is -- taxation without representation. Now I get it. Now I see why you got so pissy about it all those years ago. It is annoying. You were right. It is annoying and consider that as close to an apology as you are ever going to get.

people think you're an idiot. I don't know where they get that idea. but when they hear my accent for the first time, i can tell they're looking at me and they're just waiting for me to say something like, 'What are shoes for?'

i love being fifty. fifty is a very cool age. but it does come with some responsibilities. like fifty-year-old guys can't go out with really young girls anymore. Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy. And we've all done it. you see some old guy with some young girl, you don't sit there and go 'aw, that is so sweet'. This is what everybody in this room says: 'money or drugs, that's all I'm saying. money or drugs'.

the first ticket i got in manhattan i thought was a misprint. i'm like, 'no, this has got to be a mistake.' You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out, it's a $55 fine. that's a little excessive. Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped person's living room, but not for the meter running out. it goes from 25 cents to $55. that's a 22,000% increase.

they smoke for 60-70 years, then they show up, 'I had no idea it was bad for me!' come on. you're breathing in fire. What did you think you were doing, training for the circus? Even if they didn't put a label on the pack, you would know it's bad for you, wouldn't you? they don't need to put a warning label on a hammer for me to know if I smack myself in the face, it's gonna hurt.

when you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. and that is, who is the biggest? i'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. we all get in a bus and we go to disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.

a lot of natural disasters, right? it's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'damn, another one. tsunami plus guest. ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at t.g.i. friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.

you spend like a $100 grand in tuition, and you think you're done with them. Then for the rest of your life, they're calling up asking for money. no one else does that. if i see a movie, i don't get a call from the theater, like, 'we're buying a new projector, can you kick in a few bucks? We're calling all the "Spiderman II" alumni.'

i don't just write jokes. You know what I'm best at? greeting cards. i'm a really good greeting card writer. And I'm going to prove it with a little sample of my work i'm going to share for you: 'as each day passes, you grow older, weaker. i've been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father's day'

i hate this occasion because i can never find the right card because they're all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it -- draw a little picture of myself hanging there.

she'd say, 'wait 'til your father gets home.' i'm like, 'mama, it's been eight years.'

they don't have backpacks anymore; they all have that rolling luggage crap now. Every time they get home, it looks like they're checking into a hotel. 'Hi, how are ya? What time does the shuttle leave for soccer?'

mexicans work hard, brother. they work harder than everybody. mexican's have the strongest work ethic on earth. If Mexicans had been slaves, slavery would've been over real quick because they'd have done 300 hours of work in about nine hours and still have time for a soccer game.

all the british fans start singing to the german fans, 'If you won the war, stand up!' right, i think this is the greatest thing i've ever heard at a sporting event because there's no snappy comeback for that, is there?

i'm actually dating a guy right now... He doesn't have a car, and i live in l.a., and that's crazy. At first I thought, 'that's it, it's gonna ruin everything. i can't do that. I can't make this kind of sacrifice.' But then I realized, at least when we break up, he's gonna have a really hard time stalking me.

you'll always feel good about your body when you go there -- no matter what your body is -- because there's always someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.

let me ask you this rhetorically -- which means don't answer me when I ask it: would crack be so bad, and would people think so harshly of crack, if it were called 'crackle'?

i knew that i'd lived in New York too long when, a few years ago, I was on a subway going downtown, and it stopped at 14th Street. At the station, the doors opened, and the conductor announced that there was a bomb on board and we should evacuate immediately. Nobody moved. We just looked at each other, 'do you see a bomb?' 'i don't see a bomb.' 'There's no bomb.' 'i've only got two stops -- let's go for it.'

if a girl breaks up with me, i want her to just die, just be dead. not 'cause I hate her so much as it's just easier for when my friends go, 'Hey, what happened?' 'Oh, she's dead. i'd still be with her, but she's dead. what can i do? she was loving me, but she's dead.'

i heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. and in one of those bragging sessions, i heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey -- why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.

i was in a novelty store the other day, because i am a fan of hilarity, and saw that they are still making the gag peanut brittle. you know what i'm talking about? You open the can of peanut brittle up and snakes fly out! And the time to really get someone with this, I think, was the mid-1800s -- you know, before entertainment was invented and that was the best they had.

jeff dunham: i like aquaman. he can breathe underwater and talk to fish.
Melvin: Yeah, great. He has all the same powers as Spongebob.
Jeff Dunham: How about the Hulk?
Melvin: Why do you like the Hulk?
Jeff Dunham: Well, the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets.
Melvin: Yeah, like every white-trash guy on Cops.

i've been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes he'll say a really good rhyme, and he'll say his name afterwards. He'll be like, 'Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes.' i really like that. i'd like to do that with jokes. Like, 'i like drinking coffee, but if i ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is folgers in my cup, i'm not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.'

john lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. martin luther king dreamt of a world free from racial discrimination and oppression. the guy who invented the frisbee, dreamt of a world where people would throw a fat, circular object at each other in order to pass the time. he succeeded.

people wonder why our kids are getting fat? maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but i don't want to reach my target heart rate.'

i just got invited to my first high school reunion. i want to show up as the first thing i wanted to be when i was younger. wouldn't that be cool if you showed up, and everybody's like, 'Hey, how's it going, nick? yeah, it's me, Bob, remember? Yeah, I'm a real estate agent now, and i've got my own company. Jim's a lawyer, and he's got his own firm. So, what are you doing?' 'I am a ninja. I rule the night.'

i think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'shut up, i just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

i believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'hippo eats dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'wow, it's gonna be a great day.'

it's kind of redundant -- have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybody's like, 'Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it.' it's just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that it's kind of redundant. i don't go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. 'you like coldplay? for how long? forever?'

the worst television is mtv. 'Music Television' -- they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? what if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'what?' 'no, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. call a book store if you're hungry.'

i saw a grown man once riding one of those weird standup scooters down the side of the road -- you have to tilt to make it move forward, i think it's called a Segway or a Douchebag Way -- wearing a toga and holding a sign for a pizza sale. My first thought was, 'congrats, you've hit rock bottom.' but my second thought was, 'If you took away just the sign, then that guy would rule.'

i went to dunkin' Donuts last week, and the person waiting on me didn't speak any english at all, like, no words. and it's like I'm all for the melting pot theory, but if i lived in portugal and i worked at dunkino donutos, i might pick up a few keywords, you know, like donutos, munchkinos, chocolatto, coverato. the customers would be like, 'Blah, blah, blah, donutos.' and i'd be like, 'right away, sir.'

she doesn't know how to use anything electronic. Anything that requires technology she doesn't know how to use -- except the e-mail forward. i don't know what it is about moms and the e-mail forward, but they get it immediately. My mom can't even use the dishwasher, yet every morning i have 75 new e-mails, all from my mom. oh great, what cat dressed like a human today? what couldn't wait 'til never?

now every idiot from high school's like, 'i'm back!' we weren't supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don't want to follow you on twatter. like, nobody's interested in you. I don't want to see you in real life, why would i want to follow you in the imaginary one?

i like to sit around with my friends and of course the conversation always leads to, 'What is the most philanthropic animal?' a lot of people think it's the dog because it helps blind people around. No, the dog's trained to do that, doesn't want to do that. Crickets are the most philanthropic. They let blind people know when it's nighttime.

i went to a six flags. there's this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough. But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees. I was like, 'what a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.'

we need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

says a lot about the french, though, the old croissant, doesn't it? It says, 'we are flaky and a little bit gay.'

you're not encouraged to be smart growing up. There are bullies and kids be like, 'hey, i'll knock the books out of your hands. Now, neither of us can read.'

all these shows like 'I Want a Famous Face' and 'The Swan' -- basically what that is, is people go on national tv, and they tell america, 'I don't like how i look. i'm so against growing an original personality or developing charm, I'd rather have someone take a knife to my skull.'

if you look at the bible and you look at adam and eve in the garden of eden, we all know who sinned first. ladies, do you have to eat everything?

i never understood the concept of summer school. the teacher's going to go up there and go, 'ok, class, you know that subject you couldn't grasp in nine months? We're going to whip it out in six weeks.'

cultures are really important to be aware of. there's over four of them.

he's not technically a lawyer, but he's got three court cases next week.

god does not hate gay people. he's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

they always say that albert einstein was a genius. then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'you don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' i don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

jeff dunham: walter, your wife is a lovely woman.
Walter: She's getting old.
Jeff Dunham: Well, you know, they say that women age like fine wine.
Walter: She's aging like milk.

walter: my wife and i heard that coffee is good for your sex life.
Jeff Dunham: Oh, and is it?
Walter: No. It kept me awake for the whole damn thing. I actually had to participate!

trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.'

i've been freakishly skinny my entire life because there's a hole in my butt.

this pope was born on the 16th of april, making him an aries, compatible with both sagittarius and leo. but, of course, jesus was famously a capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with jesus. not my findings, the findings of science. don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.

i have this thing that i do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when i gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. i realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. so, i get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

mom + dad - rubber = u

we came up with earth day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.

my first impression of the current conflict between the israelis and palestinians: 'Mom, Israel's touching me!'

my mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' and then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. she said, 'You're going to college.'

there's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'you drink too much. you sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

i love going to church; every sunday, i'm there. The only thing I don't like about it is those priests sure do like to talk, don't they? Oh, they love to talk and talk, but they don't like it when you talk in church, do they? oh no, they don't like that action. Like last Sunday, I'm in church, priest is blabbing away. there's just a little tiny quiet spot in the middle of his sermon, just a little, little tiny quiet spot. I stood up in the middle of the church, and all I said was, 'hey! i smell ass!'

me and my black boyfriend, daryl, just celebrated our two-year anniversary. come on, folks, two years -- that's nine and a half years in black.

i'm from a big Irish family, which is cool. My parents had seven children, but I don't think they wanted seven kids. they're Catholic, so that means they love Jesus and hate four of us.

everybody likes to blame america for everything. what are we, only 233 years old? these other countries are thousands of years old. not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. that's like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.

our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. and he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. i've never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They're not condoms.

she's got one of those crazy, kind of overly spiked mom-dos. Like her hair keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her. She looks insane. She looks a lot like Vanilla Ice at this point. Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.

i bought a bunch of land in upstate new york, and i built a bunch of cabins and bunks and things on it. figured, i'm going to start a summer program for kids with ADD. I don't know, no one showed up. i don't know what I did wrong. I was calling it: Concentration Camp.

it is on this date every year that magician and self-proclaimed stuntman david blaine does absolutely nothing interesting.

jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover -- we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'

a lot of times, i'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.

as soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, i read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' oh, ok -- 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through sports illustrated, and i read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and i'm like, 'damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'

yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.

what's Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture!

q: why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?

A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.

whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.

yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Dunkin' donuts" was a basketball team.

q: why is basketball the grossest sport there is?

A: Because they dribble all over the court.

people think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 o'clock every single day. No, no -- go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 o'clock. you'll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot.

i'm a little upset with the athletes today. People holding out, baseball players using steroids -- what the hell is that? Using steroids, man, that ain't nothing like the old school. remember the old school guys? these guys were men. babe ruth hit over 700 home runs after, like, banging hookers all night.

if she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

i actually come from a mixed marriage. my mom's Jewish and my dad's irish catholic alcoholic, so i whine on the inside.

i'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? she may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. you know what my girl do? when she get mad, she start talking in the third person. that's scary as hell because that's her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

we've gone far ever since Ricky Martin. Thank you, Ricky. Who would have thought all you had to do to make Latin music so popular is just take out all the Latin music.

my favorite catholic holiday is easter. for those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

did it ever occur to you that the whales that beach themselves are the retards of the whale community?

sex and pizza, they say, are similar. when it's good, it's good. when it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

jason sklar: after dice performs for an hour it's no longer a comedy room. It's a disaster area.
Randy Sklar: I don't want to say it was a disaster area, but FEMA showed up three weeks late.

have you ever tried to throw out an old garbage pail? can't be done. For the last month, I've had it out there every single week, and the garbage men don't get it. I even put a sign on it, 'garbage.' What do I got to do, put it in another garbage pail? No, not going to do that.

we had a teacher, named mr. brown, and he was writing something on the board once -- he was writing something on the board, and he farted. and you would have thought kids had seen the face of god. kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' and it was. it was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.

i started smoking in high school. i never thought i'd get hooked. I always thought, by the time I graduate, that's it: no more smoking. but now i'm 33. There's no way i'm ever going to graduate.

nyu's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

yo' Mama is so fat, when she dances, the band skips.

getting drunk and having sex with strangers. that's how Irish people meet, isn't it?

what do you get when you are on you hands and knees?

You get very dirty.

my mom's American Indian; my dad's from ireland. there's a drinking problem waiting to happen.

i saw liposuction. you ever see how they do that? it's, like, violent. They get the hose -- it looks like they're mad at how fat you are.

i just went home to illinois, and i asked my family, 'Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I'm home?' And my mother said, 'you used to talk like that, too, tasha.' And I said, 'yes, but you see, i've reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?'

i hate when i meet a girl, i'm trying to get to know her, and she's like, 'Oh, you can just Facebook me.' bitch, my face is here right now!

if you like strange, specific stuff -- that's a nerd. Kanye West is a black nerd. He likes strange, specific stuff. If you go up to Kanye West and say, 'hey, what are your favorite things?' He'll be like, 'Robots and teddy bears.' that's a nerd.

i bought a car last week. well, by 'bought' i mean 'poisoned' and by 'car' i mean 'my neighbor's dog.'

i'm not a manly guy, I'm not one of those guys like, 'Oh yeah, let's go eat some ham on the bone!' Further illustrated by the fact that that's my example of what men are doing.

now that he is our president, i think it's time we as a nation just took a deep breath and collectively just said out loud, 'o.j. killed those people.' It feels good.

three vampires walk into a bar. the first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

q: what do you do with 365 used condoms?

A: Melt them into a tire and call it a good year.

in the middle of the game, he jumps up. he starts screaming at the top his lungs, he's like, '80,000 people! 80,000 people!' I go, 'papa, what's wrong?' he goes '80,000 -- and that bird had to sh*t on me.'

one of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. that's not an impediment, that's suspense.

i used to live with five straight guys and -- ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'

male comics are always coming up to me, and they're like, 'hey, natasha, don't you think you're a little attractive to be a comedian?' And I'm like, 'Don't you think you're a little ugly to be talking to me?'

trying to get a drunk girl to finish is like trying to take a drunk girl home when she can't remember where she lives. She's like, 'That's not it, that's not it, that's not it.'

i've been freakishly skinny my entire life because there's a hole in my butt.

this pope was born on the 16th of april, making him an aries, compatible with both sagittarius and leo. but, of course, jesus was famously a capricorn, meaning that this pope is incompatible with jesus. not my findings, the findings of science. don't get angry with me, Catholics. Go get angry with Galileo. Oh, you already did.

i have this thing that i do called 'Mysteries of the Universe,' when i gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. i realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. so, i get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

mom + dad - rubber = u

we came up with earth day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.

my first impression of the current conflict between the israelis and palestinians: 'Mom, Israel's touching me!'

my mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' and then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. she said, 'You're going to college.'

there's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'you drink too much. you sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

i love going to church; every sunday, i'm there. The only thing I don't like about it is those priests sure do like to talk, don't they? Oh, they love to talk and talk, but they don't like it when you talk in church, do they? oh no, they don't like that action. Like last Sunday, I'm in church, priest is blabbing away. there's just a little tiny quiet spot in the middle of his sermon, just a little, little tiny quiet spot. I stood up in the middle of the church, and all I said was, 'hey! i smell ass!'

me and my black boyfriend, daryl, just celebrated our two-year anniversary. come on, folks, two years -- that's nine and a half years in black.

i'm from a big Irish family, which is cool. My parents had seven children, but I don't think they wanted seven kids. they're Catholic, so that means they love Jesus and hate four of us.

everybody likes to blame america for everything. what are we, only 233 years old? these other countries are thousands of years old. not only did they not get it right, but a lot of times they screw up and ask us for help. that's like a 90-year-old man asking a two-year-old for advice.

our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. and he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. i've never bought drugs and not used them. Right? They're not condoms.

she's got one of those crazy, kind of overly spiked mom-dos. Like her hair keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her. She looks insane. She looks a lot like Vanilla Ice at this point. Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.

i bought a bunch of land in upstate new york, and i built a bunch of cabins and bunks and things on it. figured, i'm going to start a summer program for kids with ADD. I don't know, no one showed up. i don't know what I did wrong. I was calling it: Concentration Camp.

it is on this date every year that magician and self-proclaimed stuntman david blaine does absolutely nothing interesting.

jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover -- we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'

a lot of times, i'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.

as soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, i read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' oh, ok -- 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through sports illustrated, and i read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and i'm like, 'damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'

yo' Mama is so flat, the last time she felt a breast was in a KFC bucket.

what's Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture!

q: why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?

A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.

whats another name for a push-up bra?
False advertisement.

yo mama's so stupid, she thought "Dunkin' donuts" was a basketball team.