i love being fifty. fifty is a very cool age. but it does come with some responsibilities. like fifty-year-old guys can't go out with really young girls anymore. Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy. And we've all done it. you see some old guy with some young girl, you don't sit there and go 'aw, that is so sweet'. This is what everybody in this room says: 'money or drugs, that's all I'm saying. money or drugs'.

if she gets a hot flash and walks into a cold room, she can make it rain.

she'd say, 'wait 'til your father gets home.' i'm like, 'mama, it's been eight years.'

we're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- i think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'if animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'if vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'

i like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- i lose. scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together -- you got me. paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. paper sucks. it should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.

i'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'african american' -- there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'

a lot of natural disasters, right? it's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'damn, another one. tsunami plus guest. ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at t.g.i. friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.

my mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' and then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. she said, 'You're going to college.'

i love going to church; every sunday, i'm there. The only thing I don't like about it is those priests sure do like to talk, don't they? Oh, they love to talk and talk, but they don't like it when you talk in church, do they? oh no, they don't like that action. Like last Sunday, I'm in church, priest is blabbing away. there's just a little tiny quiet spot in the middle of his sermon, just a little, little tiny quiet spot. I stood up in the middle of the church, and all I said was, 'hey! i smell ass!'

i heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. and in one of those bragging sessions, i heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey -- why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.