a lot of times, i'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.

me and my black boyfriend, daryl, just celebrated our two-year anniversary. come on, folks, two years -- that's nine and a half years in black.

we came up with earth day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.

people think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 o'clock every single day. No, no -- go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 o'clock. you'll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot.

as soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, i read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' oh, ok -- 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through sports illustrated, and i read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and i'm like, 'damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'

q: why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?

A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens.

there's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'you drink too much. you sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too.

i used to be jealous; i'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. and i actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- i cured it with mathematics. and i'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, i'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.

what do you get when you are on you hands and knees?

You get very dirty.

why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?