they always say that albert einstein was a genius. then how come when anyone ever calls you that, it's an insult? 'you don't know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein.' i don't think we're honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

jeff dunham: well if reincarnation happens, who would you come back as and what would you do?
Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone.

you know what my drink is? jack daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? because on jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.

when i meet a girl, i ask her to pose nude for a painting i'm doing because that's a very good way to get her to sleep with me.

halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. i noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.

the person i want checking ids at the airport are bouncers 'cause they're the only ones who can spot a fake. so, if a terrorist rolled up, he'd be like, 'uh, here you go.' Bouncer be like, 'says you're born in June. What's your sign, bro?' 'uh, uh, i don't know, like, a Libra?' 'It's a gemini! get the hell out of here, dude! and too many dudes -- you brought too many dudes with you.'

when you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, you'd got out of the way.

ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know they're counting co-workers.

i realized that i have an irrational fear of rats. i did not know there was going to be so much wildlife in this city. one night i was walking home really late, i walked past this huge pile of garbage. and inside one particular trash bag was a whole lot of movement going on -- inside the bag, like real aggressive, but unidentified rustling. i was so frightened, my only thought was, 'Oh my god, I hope that's a baby. please be a toddler in that bag.' That's how much i hate rats; they make child endangerment comforting.

nobody talks about sex in scotland. scottish gynecologists don't even talk about sex. It's just like: 'Get up on the table there, Mrs. Henderson. Lift up your skirt. We'll take a look at your magic baby door.'