a blonde was at a gumball machine. she put a quarter in and kept getting a gumball out. the man behind her asked if he could get a gumball. she said, "Shut up! I'm WINNING!"

yo' Mama is like a beached whale: stinky and tragic, but you can't help but stare.

a blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."

"What about the other one?"

"They called back."

there are three types of sex in a marriage. the first one is kitchen sex. this is when you are newlyweds, and you're still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen.

The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you can't do it anywhere except the bedroom.

The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, ''Screw you.''

But there's also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.

one day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says, ''give me your most dangerous whore.''
The clerk says, ''She's in room 3A.''
The man goes to room 3A and sees a woman with a black leather suit, whips and chains. The whore says she wants to have sex on the peak of the roof. The man quickly agrees. They go to the roof and go at it for a while, and then they both fall off the roof, still ''together.'' They land on the sidewalk and die.
A drunk man walks by, sees them together, and walks into the whorehouse. The desk clerk says, ''Hey! I thought I told you never to come back here again! Get out, now!''
To this, the drunk replies, ''I just came in here to tell you that your sign fell down.''

what's the difference between a wife and a job?

After ten years the job still sucks!

the secretary of defense is briefing president bush on iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix "dog. for instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. now name another plant prefixed by 'dog'."

"I can," shouted a blonde, "Collieflower!"

what are a typical redneck's three last words?

"Hey, watch this! "

a guy walks into a bar and says, "I think I've heard this one before!"