Funny College Humor
mitch hedberg: emergency brake |
| 2008-10-30 07:19 |
a lot of times, i'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. |
lisa lampanelli: two-year anniversary |
| 2008-10-30 00:15 |
me and my black boyfriend, daryl, just celebrated our two-year anniversary. come on, folks, two years -- that's nine and a half years in black. |
lewis black: earth day |
| 2008-10-30 07:19 |
we came up with earth day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on. |
kristian vallee: getting out of school |
| 2008-10-30 00:15 |
people think kids are the only ones that want to get out of class at 3 o'clock every single day. No, no -- go see the teachers on a Friday at 3 o'clock. you'll see teachers stiff-arming kids on the way out to the parking lot. |
wanda sykes: tiger woods |
| 2008-10-30 07:19 |
as soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, i read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' oh, ok -- 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through sports illustrated, and i read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and i'm like, 'damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.' |
easter bunny |
| 2008-10-30 06:11 |
q: why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's f**king chickens. |
chelsea handler: not excited about alcoholism |
| 2008-10-30 00:15 |
there's a good chance I may be an alcoholic. You think guys would be a little more excited about that. All they do is bitch and moan. 'you drink too much. you sleep too much.' It's like, if you were drunk all the time, you'd be tired, too. |
marc maron: mathematical cure for jealousy |
| 2008-10-30 00:15 |
i used to be jealous; i'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. and i actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- i cured it with mathematics. and i'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, i'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning. |
hands and knees |
| 2008-10-30 06:11 |
what do you get when you are on you hands and knees? You get very dirty. |
whitney cummings: all balls |
| 2010-08-02 00:00 |
why do all balls look like they're 150 years old? |